Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Growing Up & Regrets

Everytime I leave this blog for a long period of time and open it up, I want to cringe. I look over all my old posts and wonder, why the hell did I post that????

And then I remember that I was still growing up. Though aren't we always still growing up. There's never been a moment in my life where I woke up one day and said, hmm now I feel like an adult.

The truth is that you never truly do. You just feel more like yourself. When I was a teenager, I always felt so lost. I tried sticking with this blog as hard as possible. But I just couldn't do it. No matter how many times I logged back in and promised I would stick with it, I wouldn't. I had so many things going on in my head. Whether I was stressed out over my job or family and friends. I could never learn to cope with my feelings. I would just disappear from the world and hope it would all go away.

But so much has happened as I've grown up. Hell, I just had a baby about six weeks ago. God is she the best thing to ever happen to me. And best of all, she woke up my soul. I mean, yeah, I'm sleep deprived as hell, but my life literally has meaning to it. I have a reason to push forward and make it through the day.

I was always struggling to find my reasoning in life. I'm not saying that everyone who is struggling in life should go and have a baby. Because it's extremely hard as hell.

You have to give up what makes you you and learn to give yourself to that tiny little human you created. Because for now you are their everything and they need you more than ever. Hell sometimes I have to choose between eating, napping, or getting important shit done. It's not easy at all but to me, it's absolutely worth it.

And I would've never gotten to this point in my life if I never made mistakes. I used to be so paranoid that things were wrong with my body. I was absolutely convinced something was wrong with me (if you can't tell from all my old posts). God it's so cringe worthy that I want to delete them. But nobody in this world is perfect. I'm sure as hell not.

And that's the thing. We're all just human. We're not meant to be perfect. We feel as if we must be but we never will be.

And that's okay.

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Rant: My Boss Sucks.

Hi everyone!

I've been feeling pretty down these past two days. I'm sure a lot of you have been in the situation I have. I've been at my job for over two years. When I started this job, I simply loved it. All of my coworkers we're wonderfully helpful and everyone was nice. My boss took notice of my work and appreciated me. We get lunches bought by our boss every now and then. And sometimes we get compensated nicely with nice bonus checks.

I've never worked at a place where I had potential to move up the ladder. I've worked nothing but minimum wage jobs that don't offer raises and management gets paid next to nothing to work overtime all the time.

So I was quite happy. Then halfway into my first year, a coworker that I worked closely with turned into a nightmare coworker. This girl will be referred to as Becky. Becky was the mean girl. She gossiped about everyone. She did anything she could to shove her work onto everyone else. We were actually friends at one point and we were upset because our other coworker. His name will be referred to as Jeff. Well Jeff was lazy. Multiple times he came into work an hour late. One time because he was buzzing his hair before work and messed up so therefore he just had to come in late! That same day I wrecked into a hillside because of icy conditions and still made it to work on time.

Well eventually Becky started dating Jeff. And because I had been upset and would occasionally vent about Jeff. Yeah I know my mistake but in my defense he was a piece of shit. He was only hired because his dad was good friends with our boss and on his first week he was even late. He was an entitled rich kid who didn't understand work ethics nor cared. Well Becky used it as leverage to tell Jeff everything I said. Even though she said practically said the same things I did if not worse!

She began to berate me at work and pretty much harrass me on a daily basis cause she was just a mean person. One point I told my boss because I was extremely uncomfortable working in that environment. I mean I did my best to ignore her and not talk to her so the situation wouldn't get worse. But she's not the type to get over anything or drop anything.

Then her work production went out the window and so did Jeff because all they did was talk all day. Mind you we work in a small department so it was just us three in one room together. It was awful. Eventually I started counting my work versus theirs and realized I was doing twice as much as them combined. I brought this to my boss's attention along with my Becky harrassing me daily. And you know what his response was, you just need to work harder. Uhm. What?

Yeah that's what I was told. I was furious but I was making good money so leaving was not in my sight. After a few months of dealing with this nonsense, another coworker from a sister company was brought on because of how busy we were. Her name shall be Shannon. Shannon immediately noticed the same things I did about our co-workers. Shannon is also related to the head boss of all the companies. It took another few months before Becky had meltdown and pretty much mother effed my boss while Shannon was there before they decided to put Becky on a leave.

And guess what? They almost brought her back! What stupidity.

Fast forward a year later after Becky was fired and Jeff quit. Well now I work with Jeffs friend. His name shall be Bob. Bob started out a great co-worker. He did everything he could to help out. He put in all the effort I never saw Jeff did. I was always highly impressed with him. So was Shannon. We also recruited someone else into the team. She's one of my best friends and I'll just call her Jane for now. Well eventually our boss started to make us all feel unappreciated. He acted like we weren't putting in enough effort and that our time was being wasted half the day.

Well all of us were extremely upset over this. We were doing everything we could at work to make money for the project we were hired for. It was insulting to be told we weren't doing enough. I mean how is that motivational! It's not. Well Bob did not like this at all. Immediately his work production dropped 50%. All of us noticed besides Shannon. She had too much faith in him for some reason.

Not long after, Bob started calling off or needing to leave early about once every three weeks. Sometimes telling our boss very last second that tomorrow he would need to leave at noon for a doctor's appointment. Uhm hello. Those are made weeks in advance. Then there would be another doctor appointment after another. You would think Bob was dying. Sometimes he wouldn't even clock out! How fair is that?

At that time I worked five days a week and no weekends. Bob and Jane worked four days a week and every other Saturday. I was jealous and overworked all the time and desperately wanted a schedule like that. I was promised one over a year prior but I was too good of a worker to deserve one. Cue the eye roll.

Well a few months later I tell Shannon that I would really like a day off during the week. Well Bob was actually needing a schedule change due to school. So it was perfect, we could easily switch schedules. Only thing was that Bob suddenly got a special little schedule due to school and got a perfect and I mean perfect work schedule. That right there was infuriating. I mean I've been at this place for two years and Jane has for over four and we don't get special schedules. You can only imagine where this is going.

I told Jane that I bet any money Bob will hate working five days in a row and guess what! He started calling off about every two weeks now or at least leaving work early even though his shift ended at an earlier time than all of us. Right around this time I started experiencing horrible morning sickness so him not doing his job made it harder on me. I even had to call off two days in a row cause I thought I had the flu. Bob had the nerve on the second day to call off. It was ridiculous.

As we move forward, things have gotten worse. Especially once I announced my pregnancy. Bob calls off at LEAST once a week. Always last second for things that are not last second. Then he called off three days within four working days. Not to mention Shannon got pulled from our department so now it's always me and Jane picking up the extra work.

We have vented countless times to Shannon about how unfair this is. I went to my boss several times about how unfair it was. We were promised that Bob would soon learn the hard way and would be reprimanded. Well jokes on us.

Just the other day Jane was pulled into my boss's office and pretty much was told to shut up and stop complaining about Bob. That Bob needs us and that we just have to deal with it and pretty much pick up his work.

I was floored. How absolutely condescending of a boss can a boss be? How is that motivational in the least? How can you expect two people to just accept the fact that they get paid the same as Bob but do two or three times the amount of work? We're running million dollar per month business. You would think you would care if one of your workers is slacking! Or at least keep a very watchful eye.

I'm just so angry. I haven't been to work yet since it happened but if they say anything to me, I'm probably going to lose it. I mean one day Bob left me in the department alone for six hours and another week a whole day. I'm pregnant. I thought my life would get semi easier not absolutely ridiculous. I can't fathom how they find this acceptable or how they think this will keep us wanting to stay at our jobs. We're being treated like dog crap and if that's the case, there's no way I'm coming back to that after I have my baby. I'll lose my mind!!!

I'm just so speechless. I cried for several hours because I used to love this job. Now I feel like I'm worthless and that my opinion doesn't matter and my work doesn't matter. I can't live like this. Not while I'm in the works of bringing a little one into the world. I've never been so upset with a job.

But I'm also doing my best to use this as motivation to find a better way to make money so my family has a better life. Right now my boss is showing me that I'll never be successful or happy if I stay there. I get so down every time I think about but I'm trying my best to stay positive for my baby. I just wish I knew that everything was going to be okay. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Well thank you for reading my rant. I know it's long. Please tell me about your horrible boss stories. It would make me feel better.


Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Things I Never Expected at Age 23.

Hello all!

It's been a while since I last posted. A lot and I mean a lot of things have happened in my life. I never imagined that I would end up in a five car pile up on vacation just several months ago. My car was totaled of course.

It was while I was at a weekend long concert and everything bad that could happen did happen. It rained horribly. My hotel wasn't properly booked. We almost forgot the tickets and the concert was two hours away from home. I never got to eat at my favorite restaurants there because the accident happened on the way to the restaurant. Sigh. It was a very crazy part of my life.

And then the bigs new happened...I became pregnant shortly after that vacation. I never knew if I wanted kids but I thought I'd have them later in life. At first I was scared. Then I started to realize I'm at one of the better parts of my life. I have stable income. I'm with my loving significant other and have been for nine years. It's become a blessing. And I've never been happier.

Although my job has become very stressful. I work with someone who calls off or needs to leave work at least once a week, and in my department, we only have three workers. It's very stressful on me especially in this part of my life. My hormones are going crazy and I don't like my work schedule being messed with weekly. I need a steady idea of how my week is going to go but it's been getting messed up non-stop for at least two months straight.

I wish I would blog more and I always promise to do it but then life hits me with something completely unexpected. And then I stop blogging because I get lost in my own life.

It's something I wish I could grasp. I feel like I'm a while away from getting that grasp on my life.

Thankfully though I have been writing for these past few months while I wasn't queasy. I completed a middle grade novel that I hope to pitch to agents in the upcoming months before my baby arrives. I wish more than anything that I could stay home with my baby while he or she grows up but I don't know if I will be able to financially or not. It would be my dream but as life has shown many of us, dreams aren't always easy to succeed.

But I will never stop trying to make any of my dreams possible. I would love to become an author and be a stay at home mother more than anything in the world. But I guess time will tell. My dearest little one is due March 3rd and I hope the world that I can spend my every moment with them while they grow up.


Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Anorexia Recovery: Quesadillas

Hello all!

I'm currently on my lunch break at work and it's making me think about the first time I tried to recover from my anorexia a few years ago.

I don't know about you but I'm always reaching for the same food. I think it's more or less for simplicity more than anything. Food is such a big trigger in my anxiety so I do my best to keep that anxiety as low as possible.

A few of the foods I used to eat on a daily basis were buttered noodles, quesadillas, pasta salad, chili, and hot chocolate. Sometimes I wonder if I over did it because I'll go back to eat those things and after only a few bites, I just end up not being able to finish my food. Now I'm not sure if it's in my head or am I really not enjoying the food like I used to.

It's really frustrating cause my appetite has become super picky with anorexia. Very few foods truly appeal to me and even then I might not enjoy it the next day. It sucks cause I know I need to just suck it up and eat, but honestly who can sit there and eat when the food isn't enjoyable. I wish I could find a way to push past it but it's hard at times.

It's even weirder cause I really do want to enjoy my food. I've been having a battle with buttered noodles for years. I swear they haven't tasted right in years and I couldn't ever figure out if it was me or the buttered noodles. Well yesterday I switched things up and made them with radiatore noodles instead of egg noodles. Then I loaded them with salt and pepper. Strangely enough I enjoyed them so much that I had to bring them to work for lunch.

Now I don't know if it's just the fact that I used different noodles​ or maybe there was something wrong with my taste buds. I guess I'll never truly know though. Now I just need to master quesadillas cause they're always so blah to me and it's very depressing. I used to rely heavily on them.

If anyone's got a good secret sauce or trick to quesadillas please tell!

And now I must go back to work. Curses.

Monday, March 13, 2017

A Journey of Anxiety in a Young Author

Hello again!

It's nice to be using my blog again. I know I've fallen off this blog here and there, and I know I can't keep letting myself do it. I always have excuses because of my life and what's going on in my life, but if I let those excuses control me, my life will just keep flying by in a busy blur. And busy blur weeks turn into busy blur months and then busy blur years. Nobody wants that kind of life.

Now that I'm getting back to my blog, I've gone back to look at some of my post, and all those posts make me want to do is slink back into my chair and shut the computer. Man was I young and naive when I wrote those posts, but whether those posts are mistakes or dumb, they're me. It's not like I'm going to delete them now because there's no point. Everyone has to start from somewhere.

The same thing goes for my writing. Every once in a while I'll open an old file of one of my earlier works, and I can't help but laugh! Oh my, the writing was so atrocious, and I used to think it was good. But like I said above, you have to start somewhere, otherwise you'll never get anywhere.

The sad thing is that that kind of thinking does follow me into my new work, and you can get stuck in the mindset of perfectionism. And by perfectionism, if you're an aspiring author like me, it means going over your work again and again and again and again. It gets to the point where you drive yourself insane. Part of the reason I feel this way was due to a forum I joined a few years ago, but have since abandoned due to the cliques that formed in it. All I ever kept reading was that any little mistake could cause an agent to stop reading your book.

It's true to an extent, but at the same time, not the way they make it sound. I mean, if you have so many grammatical mistakes in your novel that you submitted to the publishing world that it's silly, yeah you're going to ruin your chances. But say you have a stellar plot with a few blemishes along the way, that is in no way going to destroy you. We're all human. You can't tell me that J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series was 100% perfect when she pitched it out into the agent world. Because guess what? Nobody is perfect!

And that's what we need to remind ourselves. Because it is hard to let our novels go because we think it needs to be perfect.

Give it to some critique partners. Let some people read and give their thoughts. As long as their isn't a glaring boil that every single person is pointing out, then it's time to let it go and send it out into the world.

Everything we write can be better, and all the novels we write in the future could be better. But if we don't stop, then nobody will ever read our work, and it'll never make it out into the world.

Just remember: Perfection isn't human.