Tuesday, July 5, 2016

The American Dream: Full of Depression

Hey everyone.

It's been a long time since I've posted, and I mean a long time. There's a lot I've been struggling with, and I wish more than ever that I'd quit using those struggles as an excuse to not post anything. That's something my generation is growing up to do is to use nothing but excuses, and I hate it!

The biggest thing I've been trying to overcome is anorexia. I'm not the a-typical anorexic. I'm not obsessed with being thin in any way. I actually despise being thin. I became anorexic a few years ago due to copious amounts of stress that overtook my life. Most of it was due to personal reasons, mostly due to my family and a relationship obstacle I went through. Going through all these things took a big chunk out of my life to the point where I wasn't sure what my life was anymore.

And for anyone who hasn't gone through depression, it's the hardest feeling in the world to explain. Not knowing why you exist, and not even being sure of whether life's existence is even worth it. It's a horrible thing to experience, and I've never stopped being that way.

Every day I'm trying to overcome it, and I'm sure once I beat my anorexia, the world will seem a little bit bright. At least I hope. But not eating sure takes a lot of joy out of my life. I don't do it on purpose, I promise. Just like those who eat too much when they're stressed, I don't eat when I'm stressed, and that's just as bad.

One thing I'll never understand is how the American Dream of having a stable job and going year by year doing the same thing is what most people aspire for. I have a well-paying job for my age, and honestly, I'm miserable. And that's because day after day, I feel like my whole life is being spent toward this job. I don't feel like I'm actually living for myself, not when I have to revolve my life around my job. And knowing that I might have to wait 40 years just to retire is enough to make me want to end my life. (I'm not the depressed. I have too many dreams to do that.) But seriously, that's not living in my opinion.

Living in my opinion is going day by day doing what you want to do, when you want to do it. I want to travel any time I want. I want to play video games day after day and not wake up super early in the morning stressed out about going to my job that gives me a migraine. But like everyone else, I'm still trying to figure out how. I need to figure out my life so that I don't have to live like this. Because if this is what life is all about, I don't want to live.

That may sound stupid, but how can I look forward to my life when it's dedicated to someone else and not me? That's why I'm trying my hardest to figure things out sooner rather than later, especially my dream of author. That's something I can never give up.

Now let me know. What's your dream?
~Kai

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