So I know I haven't posted in a very long time, and I feel bad that I haven't done so. If you follow my blog, you may know that I go through periods of depression, and lately, it's been an on and off thing for me.
I've been thinking about how much I want to obtain my dream of becoming a published author and hopefully making a career out of it, but it seems lately that I just feel nothing more than cursed. I would say I'm a good person. I don't do drugs or drink. I'm a very caring person, but it just keeps biting me in the ass.
I watch all the kids around me screw around with their lives like its no big deal. I mean, literally, kids down alcohol like there's no tomorrow, and it disgusts me. Same thing with drugs. It seems as if these kids never get any consequences in their lives, and they get to live carefree and happy while I'm miserable.
It just seems completely unfair in the grand scheme of things. Why would someone like me get screwed over and over again while kids like that never get screwed over? This is one reason of why I cannot and will never believe in a God. It's just absolutely absurd to think its all part of his big "plan". Yeah, right. Since when does He condone making his creations absolutely miserable to the point where death sometimes sounds more delightful than actual life? Now I would never ever ever consider suicide. I have too much to live for. And writing has never made me happier (to an extent). But I also feel so miserable because I never get a break.
Things always seem to go wrong no matter how hard I try to be happy or do things the right way. It's like I am destined to be cursed for eternity. It downright disgusts me that other kids can basically try everything they can to ruin their lives and they don't even get close to ruining it. I can only hope in the future that karma will get them, but somehow, that just doesn't seem quite likely.
Don't get me wrong. I would never want to spend my days drinking and smoking. Or like most other girls, giving up my innocence to any guy who looks my way. I love knowing that I have not wasted my years. Instead of not remembering my years growing up and wasting all my time ruining my body, I've put that time into my writing. I just hope one day things will turn out right. That one day I'll be up on the NYT list like I deserve to be in the future, and then I'll feel like all my choices were worth it after all. Those other kids will have nothing to prove their worth in this life, and I just want to show everyone up.
It's just hard to stay positive when positive things are slim thing in my life, and somehow everyone else is reaping it. I will never understand, but I will also never give up. And I hope none of you ever do either.