I have a new goal for myself. Well, actually, it's not really a new goal. It's a goal I've been too lazy to take on. And that's for getting myself to eat better. Meaning more whole foods, less dairy and processed junk.
I can visualize the whole process. It seems so easy. Until the new day comes, and I still haven't completed my goal.
I mean, it's hard when I don't have my own place, so I'm tempted with taking the easy way out. Plus our fridge is too full, so I just get angry when I look inside. If I had my own place, with all my own vegan food, I could totally accomplish being a vegan and gaining weight.
It's not impossible. It's just difficult when I'm stuck in depression. Yeah, it's not an excuse for poor eating, but my mental state is just wonky. Cause every single time I try, something always goes wrong.
Like for today, I tried to make myself some lentil baked beans (completely vegan). I followed the instructions and everything, and it turned out too dry. Then, I tried making myself an applie pie jam in a cup. Recipe found here: http://ohsheglows.com/2013/09/05/sugar-free-apple-pie-chia-seed-jam-breakfast-parfait/
As I kept test tasting it throughout the process, something seemed off. I couldn't figure out what until I realized my chia seeds were rancid.
Totally depressing as hell.
It's like fate keeps telling me to eff off. Cause everytime I try to do something good for myself, it goes completely wrong.
Just like life. I can do everything right. I don't do drugs, drink, or any of that crap. I'm trying my hardest to make the best of my (future) author career. I've never had it easy. My family isn't wealthy. I wasn't give a car. I have to earn my own money as a teenager. But somehow all the snot nose brats get off better than me. I mean, yeah, I don't care that I have to earn my own car and have a job. It's making me a better person. But when zero things in my life go right, and when those type of kids have everything go right, I just want to give up.
It makes me feel like I'm not meant to be happy. That I'm not meant to be an author. Something I so desperately want more than anything in this entire world.
It's just not fair. And that's how my depression works. I just don't see the light anymore. It's like God said eff you, you don't deserve anything. When I haven't even done anything wrong! I've tried my hardest to do everything right, and this is how I get paid back.
I just wish for once that something in life would turn out right. Just something. Anything.
For right now, I just feel like I have no reason to be here because life won't let me have a reason.
On a good note, though, I wrote 2k words today for my sequel to my young adult paranormal romance. Which now totals 28k words. Finally. It's taking me a while to complete this, but I won't give up.