Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Gaining Weight: If only

So as most of you know, I've been trying my best to gain weight, considering I'm extremely skinny. And by extremely skinny, I mean, my hip bones pop out and my joints are suffering from malnutrition. It's a case many girls face in this nation.

And I've figured out why I've gotten this skinny and why I can't dig my way out.

Well, at the beginning of my freshman year of high school, my mother put me through extreme hell. She forced me to play volleyball, on a team with a bunch of backstabbing girls who attempted to steal my boyfriend in 8th grade. So I would come home every single day and ball my eyes out because she made me hate my life. How could a mother force her child to live through hell? Sometimes I swear she's bipolar. I would literally cry my eyes out at my boyfriend's grandmother's house all the time, and I wanted to quit so badly. But my mom threated me, telling me that if I quit, I wouldn't be allowed to see my boyfriend.

So then came the worst, I was becoming so depressed to the point where I couldn't eat. And then the weight loss happened. I lost 15 pounds in this hell part of my life, and my mom screamed at me for it. She would weigh me every day when I woke up, and she would threaten me with it as well. I literally hated my life at this point. I mean, no wonder kids contemplate suicide so much because if I didn't have my boyfriend, I would've been that kid.

It pisses me off so bad that my mom could do such a cruel thing to me. She wanted me to do what she wanted me to do, even if it was freaking killing me inside. Whatever happened to it being my life?

I could never put my kid through that, never in a million damn years.

But it didn't stop there. My mom was obsessed, literally obsessed with my grades. My sophmore year, I received a B in Spanish, and she screamed at me so badly for it that I sat on the floor and cried. And she didn't care. She threated me again with not seeing my boyfriend, and I only got worse because this is supposed to be my life, nots hers.

And the hell kept coming. My senior year she wouldn't stop bothering me about grades. I had f*cking As in all classes, yet she screamed at me if I received a bad grade on a test. I mean, why the f*ck did it even matter? I'm not going to college, so who gives two sh*ts about grades? Nobody is going to come to me later in life and hold a gun to my head because of grades. It's f*cking bullsh*t what parents put their kids through because of these so-called grades. Like are you freaking kidding me? A grade does not define your child.

The lead singer from Disturbed freaking dropped out of high school for hellsake! And he's rich as a motherf*cker.

It angers me that kids go through so much hell over imaginary grades that do not determine your life.

This is why I cannot put my kids, if I ever have any, through the school system. I don't want them to learn of all this. They don't need to feel like imaginary letters define their lives. It's not right.

And this is why I have never been able to gain weight. Because it still follows me to this day. I become so stressed still to the point where I cannot eat properly.

Sometimes I don't believe it's possible for me to gain weight. I mean, I'm not annorexic. Never have been. I love to eat. I never wanted to be this skinny. But all of this stress has put my stomach through hell. I would get so stressed to the point where my stomach would hurt every single morning.

And I don't know if I can recover from any of it. At least not until I get my own house and my own food.

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