Alright, those of you that have been following for a while shall know that I suffer from the inability to gain weight or my unmotivation to gain weight shall I say. I'm not anorexic nor have I ever been. On the other hand, I've personally witnessed one of my best friends fall into anorexia, but she overcame it.
If I didn't have my boyfriend, though, I'm pretty sure I would've fallen into anorexia, but he's been my motivation to keep going.
What I would like to discuss though, is how it feels becoming skinny. As in what happens to your body. Maybe those who are anorexic dismiss these signals, but when you become grossly skinny and hardly eat, things change.
I'd like to say that I'm a light eater, which isn't good for me, but over the years, all the stress I've burdened has caused this to me. I get so sick to my stomach from stress of life and my parents. This in return makes me stop eating because I do not think about eating nor do I care sometimes. Don't get me wrong. I love to eat. I love food. But sometimes it slips my mind.
And I hate being skinny. I'm not talking about being a thin average girl. I'm talking about my bones popping out skinny. My hip bones stick out so much, but I'm nowhere close to my stomach caving in.
When I dropped 15 pounds almost 5 years ago, I noticed some major changes in my body. First of all, it absolutely hurt to lay down on my sides. It felt as if my bones were caving in on my organs. Over time, I gained about five to seven pounds back, and I realized the feeling would go with weight gain. So I know for sure that being skinny caused my pain.
But as more stress hit me, I keep coasting back and forth with my weight. It can never stay high for long enough until I'm stressed out tens times worse than before, and then I stop eating as much as I should.
And if you have been following me long enough, you will know that I've been battling horrible stomach pains for quite a while now. They were constant while I was in school, but once summer hit, the pain disappeared. And I finally understand why my stomach would be wrenching in so much pain. It wasn't my gallbladder. It wasn't acid reflux. It was hunger pains. When I started gaining more weight, the pains disappeared altogether. I was getting better and trying to gain muscle as well.
But everytime I get better, I fall back down.
More stressful things occur to me. This time I'm fretting over this novel I wrote, which I want so dearly to be published. It's the only thing I really want to do with my life is be an author. It's what makes me happy and keeps me going. Without my writing, I would've never survived high school. All the hell and pain I sustained went into my story.
But this only makes me wonder, how do anorexic people do it? How can they keep going for years with constant hunger pains. I cried so much over them because they hurt terribly. Maybe they just don't understand what's causing them the pain. Maybe they feel successful with it. Either way, I couldn't handle it.
I've always wanted to have a curvy figure, and I don't have that. Girls, younger than me by almost 5 years, have better figures than me.
Maybe one day I will look back and see that all the pain was worth it in order to get to a better place in life, but right now, I'm cursing every second of it.
So my question for you is: What's your struggle in life? I've spilled my secrets. Now it's time for you to let out all that you've been holding in.