My first short story post! And it's an omitted scene from my finished book, told in the main guy's perspective. If you don't know anything about my book, it's told in two perspectives, Rusty(a girl) and Vaan(the guy). Maybe if you guys end up like this omitted scene, I could post the 1st chapter to the real thing, maybe. I am very protective over my story, so it depends on if I receive enough comments on this snippet from it.
Now, let's remember, I omitted this scene before I ever went into the revising/editing stages, but I tried my best to spice it up just for you guys.
And here it is:
“Forever?” she asks as we stand on the edge, staring out into the depths of the deep blue sea. Waves crash, perilously, against the plateau’s chest, crawling up towards us. She looks down as the waves lap farther up the side, licking the dirt away.
“Always,” I respond, squeezing her hand to gain her attention.
Her bright silver eyes vision the future of us, and I can tell that’s what she’s picturing. A long breeze sweeps through her hair as her lilac scent draws out. My nose fills with it so I can save it for later. This memory is perfect, so perfect it’s almost tangible. I’ve never felt the word love till now.
The plateau begins to sunder under our feet which causes a line to divide us. The part she stands on drifts out into the ocean while her hand reaches desperately for mine, but the movement is too fast for us to connect. Her rose twirls into the ocean, falling faster and faster. I dive to save it, to save her soul from death, but it splashes onto the surface, the petals slowly fading...fading into black.
“No…” my voice falls as the water consumes me. I fight my way to stay above the ocean’s surface, but it feels as if its arms are pulling me under, far far away. The dark army of clouds now veils the horizon, and everything seems to disappear, even the plateau where she once stood.
“She’s mine now,” a low voice laughs, evil and contorted, and then the waves spill their water into my ears, making my world vanish before me.
So what are your thoughts/comments, if any?