Tuesday, July 5, 2016

The American Dream: Full of Depression

Hey everyone.

It's been a long time since I've posted, and I mean a long time. There's a lot I've been struggling with, and I wish more than ever that I'd quit using those struggles as an excuse to not post anything. That's something my generation is growing up to do is to use nothing but excuses, and I hate it!

The biggest thing I've been trying to overcome is anorexia. I'm not the a-typical anorexic. I'm not obsessed with being thin in any way. I actually despise being thin. I became anorexic a few years ago due to copious amounts of stress that overtook my life. Most of it was due to personal reasons, mostly due to my family and a relationship obstacle I went through. Going through all these things took a big chunk out of my life to the point where I wasn't sure what my life was anymore.

And for anyone who hasn't gone through depression, it's the hardest feeling in the world to explain. Not knowing why you exist, and not even being sure of whether life's existence is even worth it. It's a horrible thing to experience, and I've never stopped being that way.

Every day I'm trying to overcome it, and I'm sure once I beat my anorexia, the world will seem a little bit bright. At least I hope. But not eating sure takes a lot of joy out of my life. I don't do it on purpose, I promise. Just like those who eat too much when they're stressed, I don't eat when I'm stressed, and that's just as bad.

One thing I'll never understand is how the American Dream of having a stable job and going year by year doing the same thing is what most people aspire for. I have a well-paying job for my age, and honestly, I'm miserable. And that's because day after day, I feel like my whole life is being spent toward this job. I don't feel like I'm actually living for myself, not when I have to revolve my life around my job. And knowing that I might have to wait 40 years just to retire is enough to make me want to end my life. (I'm not the depressed. I have too many dreams to do that.) But seriously, that's not living in my opinion.

Living in my opinion is going day by day doing what you want to do, when you want to do it. I want to travel any time I want. I want to play video games day after day and not wake up super early in the morning stressed out about going to my job that gives me a migraine. But like everyone else, I'm still trying to figure out how. I need to figure out my life so that I don't have to live like this. Because if this is what life is all about, I don't want to live.

That may sound stupid, but how can I look forward to my life when it's dedicated to someone else and not me? That's why I'm trying my hardest to figure things out sooner rather than later, especially my dream of author. That's something I can never give up.

Now let me know. What's your dream?

Sunday, August 16, 2015

PitchWars Mentee Profile: 2015

Hello fellow PitchWars Mentors!

I decided that I should make a little profile about myself just in case any of you are brave enough to research more about me! :)

Well first is first.

My name's Kai (It's my nickname), and I write ya fantasy novels. I started writing in high school because let's face it, high school was hell!!! And I needed to escape from the hell I was living in. And I've never stopped writing since. I've written three novels, and *hopefully* the third is the charm.

Some things you should know about me is that I LOVE cats. Well, and all animals. But cats!

They're so cute. Look at it. LOOK AT IT!

My absolute favorite genre is fantasy. I can't read anything without it! Or write anything without it!

My favorite books/series are:
-The Shiver Trilogy by Maggie Stiefvater
(Or anything by Maggie Stiefvater, to be honest!)
-The Forest of Hands and Teeth by Carrie Ryan
-The Mortal Instruments by Cassandra Clare
-The Percy Jackson Series by Rick Riordan
-The Maze Runner by James Dashner

My favorite TV shows are:
-The Walking Dead
-Teen Wolf
-How I Met Your Mother

I also really love anime!
Attack on Titan and Death Note are my faves!

Attack on Titan: Introduction Recap
And yes, my novel is inspired by AoT. I'm sure one of my mentors figured this out!

Sorry if that picture just creeped some of you out. If you've seen the anime, you'll understand!
I'm also a huge video game fanatic! Mostly a Nintendo nerd and old school gamer. N64 was my life back in the day and still is. Zelda, anyone? And Banjo-Kazooie? I also love my Kingdom Hearts and older Final Fantasy games (like 6!).

Hm, I'm not sure else what to say about myself. Well, I like to play the piano. I've been cooking since I was 15. I'm a tea person. I hate peanut butter (ugh and Nutella!). And I'm in training to become a pharmacy technician.

Also, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make my manuscript sparkle. I think I have it in a really good state as is, but some polishing it up would make me extra confident!

Well, I think that's it. I'd like to say thanks in advance to everyone who is interested in my manuscript! Even if I don't get picked, I know this contest will be a wonderful experience.

Have a wonderful day!

Friday, April 24, 2015

Teens: Anxiety & Depression

Hey there, my lovelies.

Long time no see.

You know what sucks the most from still living at home with your parents? The anxiety. My God, it's awful.

Any teenager knows how it feels. It's the worst feeling in the entire world. Well okay, maybe not every teenager. Some teenagers are graced with everything they could ever want, but for the lucky fellers like me, hah, yeah that ain't gonna happen.

So anxiety, yeah, it sucks real bad. I get it over anything and everything. I worry constantly and wonder when I will ever get to the point in my life where I can be free.

I know, I'm not even 21 and I'm talking about being free. But I'm not your average 20-year-old. I seriously want my own house in the next few years and to have my life on the right path.

No, I'm not in college. Nothing about college even tempts me. Yeah, you go to school for four to five years and then get stuck with a 9-5 job for the rest of your life. Doesn't that just sound dandy? 

And no, I'm not sitting around and just wishing for my life to go right. I know what I want to do with my life, but it's just a matter of when will it happen? I've known since I was 14 that I wanted to be an author. While everyone else my age went out and partied and drank, I sat at home and worked my ass off trying to write books. And so far, I've written two. Hopefully I find the right agent who wants my books, but you just never know.

So right now I feel like I'm just watching my life fly by. Everyone else is having a great ol' time, and I'm sitting here like this picture of Castiel:

And another frustrating thing is being in a relationship for almost seven years, but it's hard to live together when money isn't an easy thing for 20-year-olds.

Parents don't understand that one bit, especially when way back in the day, you only needed one paycheck and not two to survive. Does that piss off anyone else?


And all I can think to myself is, how on earth do people expect teenagers to act so prim and proper when the world seems like its out to get us?

No wonder so many teenagers grow up with anxiety, depression, and eating disorders.

I'm one of them. It's not fun.

All I can hope for is that this hell I'm enduring will help pave me to an awesome future. I mean, why not? Why shouldn't I have a great future. It's the only thing I can hope for.

So for any other teenager out there dealing with anxiety and whatnot, keep your chin up. There has to be more for us out there.

I just know it.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Ulcers, Painkillers, & PMS

Hey everyone! (Warning long post ahead!)

So I know you may wonder why I drop off the face of the planet for a few months and then reappear only to disappear again. If you've read any of my posts, you will know that I suffer a lot of health problems. Kinda sucks since I'm so young! But I guess poor eating habits will get anyone.

I just wanted to finally explain what is exactly wrong with me, and why I drop off this blog for months. I feel like you guys need an explanation.

Obviously for years I've been trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I suffer from digestive issues that make it very very hard for me to gain weight (I'm borderline underweight). I always thought I was crazy half the time as I grew up, that maybe I just wasn't meant to gain weight.

I started suffering from rosacea about 6 years ago and along with that came the awful PMS. And I mean, God awful. My periods often put me in the worst misery to the point where I cry for three hours on the first day. It's not fun, not at all. I do, however, know what's causing it so I will get to that soon enough.

But when I started getting those awful cramps, the only way I could deal with them would be to take painkillers. I mean, I would miss school once a month if I didn't so I felt like I had no choice. Well, bad for me, nobody ever told me to NOT take painkillers on an empty stomach! And usually I'd end up taking them in the mornings when my appetite was at its lowest.

Fast forward four years later, these painkillers ended up ruining my stomach lining. I have developed ulcers as a result of taking painkillers so stupidly. But don't take this as a "I won't get ulcers if I don't take painkillers on an empty stomach" because that's not true either. They can and will cause ulcers. You just won't get them as easily if they're taken with food.

How did I know I had an ulcer? I didn't. Not for almost three years. I would research and research day after day trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. Why didn't I go to a doctor? Because doctors have never listened to me, and I knew they'd just prescribe me with medications that would only cover the problem instead of fixing them. (The pharmaceutical business would be out of business if they cured your problems.)

So every day, I would suffer God awful burning pains in my stomach to the point where I couldn't eat all day. Which would make it all the worse because then my stomach acid would churn even harder because I wasn't eating nearly enough. Not fun guys. Not fun at all. It was the most vicious cycle I've ever been through.

And then I learned my ulcer(s) were bleeding. I wasn't sure about it at first because usually most people identify blood in their stools as red or black. I never had that happen to me, but I did have coffee ground looking things in mine which I could never find answers to. That is until I learned that if blood mixs with stomach acid that it will turn into what looks like coffee grounds.

You could only imagine how low of an iron count I must've had. And to make matters worse, I think my PMS pains started because I got super low on iron. That's the only conclusion I've ever been able to make. Because when I suffer those awful pains every month, they are the exact symptoms of iron anemia.

I've been living in one big vicious cycle all my life, and it took me this long to figure it out.

I'm now trying my best to correct my diet and use supplements to my advantage in order to heal this ulcer. Along with that, I am doing my best to keep my iron levels up.

It's been one long rough road, and I hope to see a light at the end.

I'll also be querying my novel (hopefully) this month, so who knows. Maybe this will be the year my life turns around, and I can finally feel happy.

So now you know why I disappear and hopefully I will keep you guys updated more. Both on my writing adventures and my health.

Thanks for reading through this and understanding.

Friday, December 5, 2014

Promoting Friday: WillowTreeMinerals

Taken from the Etsy Shop: Willow Tree Minerals. I do not own the rights to it, but I am promoting it. (Non paid)

Hello guys and gals! I'm deciding to promote others on Fridays now, and I thought a good way to start it off is by promoting people I buy from online.

My most favorite of all websites to buy from is Etsy, and most people on there like to create wholesome good products from non-toxic ingredients.

If most of you are like me, you are especially cautious about the products you use on your skin. I mean, our skin is our larget organ after all. So why shouldn't you take caution?

That's why I always buy vegan/natural make-up. That way I know it's not being tested on animals or will be harmful to my skin, especially since I battle acne rosacea.

So here it is, a wonderful etsy shop that sells makeup for a decent price and isn't bad for you! Yay!

Willow Tree Minerals Etsy Shop

I've ordered from Lora quite a few times, and the products are always wonderful. I've ordered foundation, eyeliner, mascara, and just the other day I bought nail polish.

This shop is wonderful, and I hope you support her and your skin. Thanks for visiting my post! I'll do another promotion post next Friday!

P.S. And if by chance this is Lora reading, thank you for making such wonderful products. I will always be a customer of yours.