Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Anorexia Recovery: Quesadillas

Hello all!

I'm currently on my lunch break at work and it's making me think about the first time I tried to recover from my anorexia a few years ago.

I don't know about you but I'm always reaching for the same food. I think it's more or less for simplicity more than anything. Food is such a big trigger in my anxiety so I do my best to keep that anxiety as low as possible.

A few of the foods I used to eat on a daily basis were buttered noodles, quesadillas, pasta salad, chili, and hot chocolate. Sometimes I wonder if I over did it because I'll go back to eat those things and after only a few bites, I just end up not being able to finish my food. Now I'm not sure if it's in my head or am I really not enjoying the food like I used to.

It's really frustrating cause my appetite has become super picky with anorexia. Very few foods truly appeal to me and even then I might not enjoy it the next day. It sucks cause I know I need to just suck it up and eat, but honestly who can sit there and eat when the food isn't enjoyable. I wish I could find a way to push past it but it's hard at times.

It's even weirder cause I really do want to enjoy my food. I've been having a battle with buttered noodles for years. I swear they haven't tasted right in years and I couldn't ever figure out if it was me or the buttered noodles. Well yesterday I switched things up and made them with radiatore noodles instead of egg noodles. Then I loaded them with salt and pepper. Strangely enough I enjoyed them so much that I had to bring them to work for lunch.

Now I don't know if it's just the fact that I used different noodles​ or maybe there was something wrong with my taste buds. I guess I'll never truly know though. Now I just need to master quesadillas cause they're always so blah to me and it's very depressing. I used to rely heavily on them.

If anyone's got a good secret sauce or trick to quesadillas please tell!

And now I must go back to work. Curses.

Monday, March 13, 2017

A Journey of Anxiety in a Young Author

Hello again!

It's nice to be using my blog again. I know I've fallen off this blog here and there, and I know I can't keep letting myself do it. I always have excuses because of my life and what's going on in my life, but if I let those excuses control me, my life will just keep flying by in a busy blur. And busy blur weeks turn into busy blur months and then busy blur years. Nobody wants that kind of life.

Now that I'm getting back to my blog, I've gone back to look at some of my post, and all those posts make me want to do is slink back into my chair and shut the computer. Man was I young and naive when I wrote those posts, but whether those posts are mistakes or dumb, they're me. It's not like I'm going to delete them now because there's no point. Everyone has to start from somewhere.

The same thing goes for my writing. Every once in a while I'll open an old file of one of my earlier works, and I can't help but laugh! Oh my, the writing was so atrocious, and I used to think it was good. But like I said above, you have to start somewhere, otherwise you'll never get anywhere.

The sad thing is that that kind of thinking does follow me into my new work, and you can get stuck in the mindset of perfectionism. And by perfectionism, if you're an aspiring author like me, it means going over your work again and again and again and again. It gets to the point where you drive yourself insane. Part of the reason I feel this way was due to a forum I joined a few years ago, but have since abandoned due to the cliques that formed in it. All I ever kept reading was that any little mistake could cause an agent to stop reading your book.

It's true to an extent, but at the same time, not the way they make it sound. I mean, if you have so many grammatical mistakes in your novel that you submitted to the publishing world that it's silly, yeah you're going to ruin your chances. But say you have a stellar plot with a few blemishes along the way, that is in no way going to destroy you. We're all human. You can't tell me that J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series was 100% perfect when she pitched it out into the agent world. Because guess what? Nobody is perfect!

And that's what we need to remind ourselves. Because it is hard to let our novels go because we think it needs to be perfect.

Give it to some critique partners. Let some people read and give their thoughts. As long as their isn't a glaring boil that every single person is pointing out, then it's time to let it go and send it out into the world.

Everything we write can be better, and all the novels we write in the future could be better. But if we don't stop, then nobody will ever read our work, and it'll never make it out into the world.

Just remember: Perfection isn't human.


Sunday, March 12, 2017

Anorexic in Recovery: Food is Stressful!

Hello, world!

Another year has gone by. Some good things have happened, including moving out of my parent's house. (Finally!) Also being at my highest weight I've been at. Some not so good things have happened as well, which include my anorexia having me go around in circles. My daytime job has also made me want to pull out my hair. Which I know happens to a lot of people. That's life.

Currently I'm suffering from a cold which made it impossible to taste anything the past two days. Curse you stuffy nose! It wasn't fun at all. I barely ate at all yesterday cause I was so nauseous, and then I ended up with a splitting headache that left me on the couch all Saturday long. Kinda sucks considering I actually wanted to enjoy my weekend, but it is what it is.

Today I'm finally able to breathe out of my nose. Hooray! And I'm able to finally taste things, which has brought up my thoughts on what I really wanted to discuss all along. Food is stressful.

For the past few months, my anorexia has taken me into these huge ups and downs I've had in a while. It's hard to explain to people what it's like to go through an eating disorder which is why I've told barely anyone in my life about it. Just a few close friends and that's it. Even then, the cat so to speak catches my tongue, and I feel like I never truly explain what I'm going through. I guess that's what happens when anxiety takes over your life.

But my biggest struggle with food is that sometimes I don't even crave anything. If you told me to pick any food in the world to eat or asked me what my favorite food was, I'd shrug my shoulders. And it's not easy to say that in the least. It's not that I don't like food. Hell I love to eat. It's the most frustrating feeling I've ever experienced in my life.

Not to mention the fact that when you do start your recovery process from anorexia, there's a lot of things they don't tell you about recovery. It's miserable. Sadly, that's why a lot of people relapse, because it honestly seems easier to just stay with your eating disorder. The thing is that it's not true in the least. It may seem easier, but in the long run, it's harder to stay with that disordered eating. You have way too much to lose to not recover, including your own life.

The thing that keeps me forward is watching inspiring people on Youtube. One that really sticks out to me is Educating Shanny. She's super sweet in her videos and she really lays it on thick about the downsides to having eating disorders. Or even reading blogs about people who have recovered or blogs on educating about recovery (The best one is Fuck your eating disorder. Google it). It's also super inspiring to see before and after pictures of people who have recovered from eating disorders because it's possible.

Thankfully I'm at the highest weight I've been at in a long time. I clocked in around 100lbs the other week. I might've dropped due to my cold but still, whoo!

Now the other thing that sucks about having an eating disorder is that I feel like people don't always believe you. When it comes to anorexia, most people think of a really skinny person probably around 70lbs. But the thing they don't teach you in school that they should've is that anyone can have an eating disorder. Just because I've always clocked in at a regular weight at the doctor's office growing up, didn't mean I was healthy. Which back then didn't help me at all because my mom told me I was too skinny, and then the doctor would tell me I'm fine (go figure cause she was overweight) and then I'd pretty much stick my tongue out (not really but figuratively) at my mom in retaliation because I thought I was fine.

Even people who look totally normal and may be slightly overweight can have anorexia. When it's been fed into your mind that you need to be skinny, most people don't really think about what they're doing to their bodies. You could eat around, let's say, 1,500 calories a day, but then combine that with exercising several times a week. Your body won't be happy with you. Not only are you depriving your body by under-eating, you're also burning those calories as well. In most cases, this causes most people to go into survival mode, and they're bodies will hold onto their weight for dear life as it prepares for a famine to come. Now that's not always the case but it certainly does happen.

Anyways, I've gone a little off topic than I expected there.

I'm really aiming on trying to pull my life together this year. I've started writing a new book, and I'm about halfway there. This will clock in to my third written novel, so I'm crossing my fingers that one of these days will be the day I become a published.

If you're feeling down, just remember this: Failure is better than not trying at all.

That's why I've never given up on my dreams to became an author. Because If I don't try, how will I ever know if I can succeed?


Tuesday, July 5, 2016

The American Dream: Full of Depression

Hey everyone.

It's been a long time since I've posted, and I mean a long time. There's a lot I've been struggling with, and I wish more than ever that I'd quit using those struggles as an excuse to not post anything. That's something my generation is growing up to do is to use nothing but excuses, and I hate it!

The biggest thing I've been trying to overcome is anorexia. I'm not the a-typical anorexic. I'm not obsessed with being thin in any way. I actually despise being thin. I became anorexic a few years ago due to copious amounts of stress that overtook my life. Most of it was due to personal reasons, mostly due to my family and a relationship obstacle I went through. Going through all these things took a big chunk out of my life to the point where I wasn't sure what my life was anymore.

And for anyone who hasn't gone through depression, it's the hardest feeling in the world to explain. Not knowing why you exist, and not even being sure of whether life's existence is even worth it. It's a horrible thing to experience, and I've never stopped being that way.

Every day I'm trying to overcome it, and I'm sure once I beat my anorexia, the world will seem a little bit bright. At least I hope. But not eating sure takes a lot of joy out of my life. I don't do it on purpose, I promise. Just like those who eat too much when they're stressed, I don't eat when I'm stressed, and that's just as bad.

One thing I'll never understand is how the American Dream of having a stable job and going year by year doing the same thing is what most people aspire for. I have a well-paying job for my age, and honestly, I'm miserable. And that's because day after day, I feel like my whole life is being spent toward this job. I don't feel like I'm actually living for myself, not when I have to revolve my life around my job. And knowing that I might have to wait 40 years just to retire is enough to make me want to end my life. (I'm not the depressed. I have too many dreams to do that.) But seriously, that's not living in my opinion.

Living in my opinion is going day by day doing what you want to do, when you want to do it. I want to travel any time I want. I want to play video games day after day and not wake up super early in the morning stressed out about going to my job that gives me a migraine. But like everyone else, I'm still trying to figure out how. I need to figure out my life so that I don't have to live like this. Because if this is what life is all about, I don't want to live.

That may sound stupid, but how can I look forward to my life when it's dedicated to someone else and not me? That's why I'm trying my hardest to figure things out sooner rather than later, especially my dream of author. That's something I can never give up.

Now let me know. What's your dream?

Sunday, August 16, 2015

PitchWars Mentee Profile: 2015

Hello fellow PitchWars Mentors!

I decided that I should make a little profile about myself just in case any of you are brave enough to research more about me! :)

Well first is first.

My name's Kai (It's my nickname), and I write ya fantasy novels. I started writing in high school because let's face it, high school was hell!!! And I needed to escape from the hell I was living in. And I've never stopped writing since. I've written three novels, and *hopefully* the third is the charm.

Some things you should know about me is that I LOVE cats. Well, and all animals. But cats!

They're so cute. Look at it. LOOK AT IT!

My absolute favorite genre is fantasy. I can't read anything without it! Or write anything without it!

My favorite books/series are:
-The Shiver Trilogy by Maggie Stiefvater
(Or anything by Maggie Stiefvater, to be honest!)
-The Forest of Hands and Teeth by Carrie Ryan
-The Mortal Instruments by Cassandra Clare
-The Percy Jackson Series by Rick Riordan
-The Maze Runner by James Dashner

My favorite TV shows are:
-The Walking Dead
-Teen Wolf
-How I Met Your Mother

I also really love anime!
Attack on Titan and Death Note are my faves!

Attack on Titan: Introduction Recap
And yes, my novel is inspired by AoT. I'm sure one of my mentors figured this out!

Sorry if that picture just creeped some of you out. If you've seen the anime, you'll understand!
I'm also a huge video game fanatic! Mostly a Nintendo nerd and old school gamer. N64 was my life back in the day and still is. Zelda, anyone? And Banjo-Kazooie? I also love my Kingdom Hearts and older Final Fantasy games (like 6!).

Hm, I'm not sure else what to say about myself. Well, I like to play the piano. I've been cooking since I was 15. I'm a tea person. I hate peanut butter (ugh and Nutella!). And I'm in training to become a pharmacy technician.

Also, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make my manuscript sparkle. I think I have it in a really good state as is, but some polishing it up would make me extra confident!

Well, I think that's it. I'd like to say thanks in advance to everyone who is interested in my manuscript! Even if I don't get picked, I know this contest will be a wonderful experience.

Have a wonderful day!